i used to keep a lot of grudges. i still do. i mean, there are people who do wrong things to you, or hate you for no reason, so it feels righteous to keep a grudge towards them. it feels like winning at first, since i’m being defiant or taking a stand for myself or whatever. but sooner or later, it feels like i’m trapped in this chronic state of rage and hatred. everytime i see the person, i’m reminded of all those things they did to me, and i imagine how i could retaliate, and i make up all these scenarios in my head, and then i realize i’ve been fuming for no reason.

i was advised to forgive and forget, but i didn’t quite like the premise i was presented. according to them, sometimes we have to adjust with people, this is the only way - and that sounded to me like defeat. i don’t wanna give up, so i kept myself trapped.

when this happens, the mind keeps on replaying this shit of “yeah, he did this - so i’m doing this back - so what if he does this - then i’ll do this back - but i too did this - but it’s because he had done this first” and it’s so fucking tiring. there’s all these arguments running in your head 24x7 and the hate and anger keeps on building up. it’s just not a good place to be.

i got a different perspective of letting go when i was watching a video of joe rogan & GSP (note: the comment section is full of stupid people). joe rogan was talking about how he doesn’t keep grudges anymore, and GSP shared a story of him meeting his childhood bully and helping him out. what struck me was that GSP framed forgiveness as victory, not as giving up. when you let go of the hate, you have more mindspace to focus on the things that actually matter.

but letting go of the hate is not easy. but it doesn’t mean you have to adopt a framework like IFS or CBD or whatever latest fad these psychology peeps have released recently. when you realize you’re slowly going back to your old habits, simply remind yourself not to, and if needed, reason it out with your mind. it’s kind of hard for me, and sometimes i go back to those rage-filled arguments in my head, but then i remind myself and i come back.

it feels so good to be at peace.
and it’s healthy not to bottle up all this rage inside.